The Fire

Have you ever had a session in which you could not keep the cycle from escalating? You try everything - you interrupt, move your chair closer, plead with the couple “We need to go slow!” This just happened to me. And, yes - it still happens, even after almost 20 years of doing this. I don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse. 

Here’s what I (re)learned:

What you do during the cycle that just won’t stop makes a huge difference. It doesn’t make you feel better, and the session doesn’t end with a tidy bow. However, if you stay engaged and never leave the attachment frame - it actually sinks in. The sessions that continue working after the hour is up can be some of the most powerful. This is a paradigm shift. 

Staying engaged and not leaving the client or the model is your goal - this is more important than being able to have a successful enactment or your couple softening into tender emotions.

The tender emotions will happen on their own, and sometimes you don’t get to witness it. This is a selfless act we’re called to! Can you stay engaged even when you don’t get immediate relief in your nervous system?

I’m writing this post so I can remember: the next time I have a session I can’t slow down - I want to trust that the process and myself in it works even when I can’t see or feel it. Usually I replay the session and look for ways I could have attuned better, interrupted faster, set up a more clear enactment, etc, etc. I’ll paint a picture for you with a story.

It was a couple that had traveled from another state to do an intensive with me. The stakes were high. Their relationship was on the line and they had invested a lot for a “miracle.” Side note - I’ve had to work really hard not to resent the constant pressure I’m under to save relationships with decades of a rigid cycle that never got proper help. It’s a balance of compassion, tough skin and realistic expectations. When I get some wins, it makes everything feel better. The opposite is also true: high pressure and seeming failure = this can make me want to quit therapy forever.

I left the awful session wondering if I missed something in the consult. Should I have taken this couple for an intensive? Do they not have the safety to do this kind of work?

I tried to shake it off on the drive home. When I tried to transition to family time, I felt preoccupied and I hated feeling that way. I went to bed early, had trouble sleeping and woke up the next morning with dread. Whenever I don’t want to go to work, I imagine what the couple feels as they’re waiting to see me. I remember how scared they are, how much they’re risking and what a lifeline their bond actually is. This helps sometimes. Other times I just put my game face on and go. I know no amount of self talk will actually change how I feel. This was one of those times.

On day 3 of the intensive, the morning after the “bad” session - my couple came in smiling and sitting closer on the couch. What?! Who is this couple and what did they do with the terrors that sat in this same spot?

They repaired on their own in the hotel room the night before! They were able to hold on to some of my attachment frames and prioritize their connection over the problem they were trying to solve. What?! I couldn’t believe it. 

This was a topic they had never been able to successfully tackle together and they finally did. Not only that - they had a clear picture of what their cycle is and how it takes over - keeping them from being able to talk about important things.

Sometimes I think we don’t trust our couples enough. I know we often don’t trust the model enough.

Here’s the thing - I’m at a point in my career that I really don’t leave the model. I don’t have any other circus tricks. I keep doing what I know. Somewhere in the back of my brain, I remember EFT works even when things are bad. And, I remember that “working” doesn’t mean a couple always stays together. I have no agenda other than staying true to myself, the model and trying to stay as close to my couple and their experience as possible.

So, it surprised me that even with that solid trust in the model - I still doubted myself and really thought the session was a complete failure. Was it because I remain open?

When we’re open enough to be attuned, guess what? We get hurt. I don’t think that will ever stop. When I go into the fire of a couples cycle, I get burned. When I can’t rescue my couple from the fire, it doesn’t matter how good of a job I did trying - all I care about is the relief they feel when they repair. So, I guess I choose to be hurt. Because I want to be open enough to continue to genuinely go into the fire. That sounds crazy doesn’t it? Why do we choose to go into the fire again and again - without a guarantee of a win?

But you get it, right? The wins are like nothing else. 

Keep going, stay open - allow yourself to be hurt. Your tolerance for the hurt followed by some wins - that comes with time. The hurt is remedied by seeing the model work again and again. The only way that can happen is if you stay in it - even when it feels like the wheels are coming off. 

*If you’re reading this and want support as you try to learn EFT, consider joining me in my monthly webinars! Superpower Alliance Webinars are only $10/month. When you sign up, you get access to all the past webinars (right now there are over 20 in the bank of recordings on the membership site). You can come live or watch the playbacks. Every webinar we use deliberate practice and focus on one skill - so learning EFT is not overwhelming. Join me! I would love to have you!