What Does a Lawn Mower Have to Do With Attachment?

I’m sitting outside, typing and enjoying the morning - not too hot, yet the sun shines. When I glance up, I see my dog, Winnie, perched up on the small hill in our backyard - guarding what exactly? Inside our fence, we have a quarter acre and the only real threat Winnie could “protect” us from is the lawn mower running in the common space behind our house. I hear birds. I super hear the lawn mower. If I listen especially close, I can also hear the wind against the leaves in the trees.

Do you feel an analogy coming? It may be a stretch, but hang with me. If the sounds of my backyard are the equivalent to a couples session - can you guess what noise is the one that’s most tempting to listen to?

The loudest one, right? The lawn mower. It’s so demanding. You can't not notice it. It’s sort of ruining the vibe. Zero peace and it’s drowning out the birds and the wind. 

A client’s fear is usually made up of A) their negative view of themselves, B) their negative view of their partner or C) their negative view of the relationship. It could also be D) all of the above. Regardless of which combination it is, fear and what it sounds like in your client’s head is identical to the droning of the lawn mower.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation over the sound of a lawn mower? You have to at least acknowledge it, right?

“I’m sorry! I’m having a hard time hearing you - this dang lawn mower. What did you say?”

So many therapists negotiate with the lawn mower. All the negative stuff - they listen to it, make a lot of space for it and try to reason with it. I think they hope validating fear will make it die down.

If you follow fear, more fear will come.

If you ignore fear, more fear will come.

If you balance fear - it has a place to transform.

Let’s break this down. What does following fear look and sound like in a session?

FOLLOW FEAR AND MORE FEAR WILL COME

Client: “She makes such a big deal out of these things. Like, we’re not talking about the dishes needing to be done anymore. Now it’s about me not showing up and that she can’t rely on me for anything and then our entire relationship is in question!”

Therapist: “So, it sounds like it’s so hard for you when the whole relationship is in question and how your partner sees you! Like if she questions the entire relationship - that makes you feel so upset.”

Client: “Yes! It feels really unproportional and I worry that her standards are just too high. Like she can be really high maintenance. I feel like she just won’t let things slide. Like it’s not that deep.”

Therapist: “Ok, so maybe it also feels like you can’t measure up - like if the whole relationship is in question and her standards are a certain way - there’s no way you’ll be able to win with her.”

Client: “Exactly! That’s what I try to tell her but she just keeps pointing out what I’m doing wrong. Like how could I not be defensive? She’s bound and determined that I’m the bad guy.”

I could keep going, but do you see how we’re just going deeper and deeper into the fear hole? The therapist is doing a great job of validating and reflecting - and there’s sort of an attachment frame - but mostly, we’re just paying attention to the lawn mower and trying to tame it.

I won’t give an example of ignoring fear because I just doubt many therapists actually ignore it completely. Can you imagine? 

IGNORE FEAR AND MORE FEAR WILL COME

Client: “She makes such a big deal out of these things. Like, we’re not talking about the dishes needing to be done anymore. Now it’s about me not showing up and that she can’t rely on me for anything and then our entire relationship is in question!”

Therapist: “Were you talking? Did you say something?"

Said no therapist reading these blog posts ever.

Assuming you’re more likely to follow fear and just be led to more fear - let’s see what it might look like to balance fear. 

Balance isn’t about canceling out negativity. We do have to deal with the fear, and actually go deeper into it (this is especially important in Stage 2). If the couple on your couch isn’t in a place to go deep inside the fear, you have to balance it with attachment assumptions. 

Attachment, like Sue tells us, is the music in the background. Train your ear to hear the birds in the air and the wind in the trees. It’s always there, but we can’t always hear it. We have to assume these human longings and gently call them out. The lawn mower in session dies down by both acknowledging its drone and also offering something else to listen to.

“I can clearly hear the lawn mower - but can you also hear the birds? Listen closely, I swear that was a mourning dove.”

BALANCE FEAR WITH ATTACHMENT ASSUMPTIONS

Client: “She makes such a big deal out of these things. Like, we’re not talking about the dishes needing to be done anymore. Now it’s about me not showing up and that she can’t rely on me for anything and then our entire relationship is in question!”

Therapist: “Ok, I think I hear you. You do want her to feel like you’re actually there. Like your efforts and your good heart are felt by her. Maybe when you can tell that’s in question - it makes things hard and you get, what? Upset? Frustrated? Defensive? I’m not sure…”

Client: “Yes! I do get upset - I just worry that she expects too much. Like, how am I supposed to live up to that standard? She does the same thing with our kids, you know.”

Therapist: “When you feel like you’re winning with her - when she trusts you and you’re both in sync - I imagine that’s the best feeling ever. So, of course when that’s off - and you get feedback that you’re not there somehow - you start to wonder if she expects too much. You make sense of it in that sort of way and then the defensiveness comes?”

Client: “Yeah - I do get defensive. I wish I didn’t care so much - but the truth is, I am totally affected when she’s upset with me.”

Therapist: “Of course you are. The way it feels when things are good is something you’re always trying to get back to. I get that. It means this matters to you. And right now you’re tuning into that part of you. Can we stay here a little longer?”

EFT therapists - you want to get somewhere faster? Listen for those birds and ask them to sing. If you can’t hear them and you worry they flew to Hawaii to get away from the cold - call them back. Do whatever it takes to find them. The birds, the breeze in the trees, the attachment significance - it’s inside all of us. Even the dismissive asshole you can’t crack.

The example in this post came from a recent role play during my last Superpower Alliance webinar. If you haven’t subscribed - would you like to? I would love to have you there. Only $10 a month. We focus on one specific skill a month and we try our best to bring our humanity to the learning. We are perfectly imperfect - with good hearts that want to help people.