Dance Mom

I’m not a dancer, but I’m a dance mom. Because I’m not a dancer (and never have been), I would never come close to trying to live vicariously through my dancer. However, as a parent - I very much want to support and help wherever and whenever I can.

This past spring, my daughter tried out for her last year on the school’s dance team. As a rising senior, she had made the cut three times before. Every year, the team got better and tryouts got harder. Reason says she would make the team easily, but logic and pep talks were not cutting it the night before tryouts. 

We were in the bonus room, late at night, with the furniture up against the wall, making space for choreo and lots of emotion.

“If I don’t make it my senior year, it’ll be humiliating!”

“It would. But, the chances of that happening are slim,” I say in my head because by now I know that would just start a debate. Instead - I acted as a body double.

Have you heard of this term? Body doubling is essentially having another person present - a gentle anchor - while you attempt a difficult task. They could be doing the same thing, or not. For example, two people could be studying for a test side by side, or one person folds laundry and the other reads a book in the same room. In both examples, there’s intentional body doubling to help with focus and accountability.

“Can you just sit there while I go over it again?”

I started the music, watched the routine and said encouraging things. Remember, my non-dance experience limits me - so I couldn’t really coach or give notes. She went over it so many times and I started to doubt I was doing anything helpful. I picked up my phone, started scrolling and she noticed:

“Mom! Are you paying attention?”

It was then that I realized: I had to be like those passengers that stay awake so the driver doesn’t fall asleep. I was keeping watch.

Do we also do that as therapists? We are facilitators of a process, but as that’s happening - we’re also staying vigilant so no one falls asleep at the wheel. Our warm and engaged bodies help our clients go through their own emotional tunnel in order to get to the other side.

We often talk about the active part of therapy. We want to refine our focus, know the clinical map and intervene with as much precision as we can. 

What about the passive part of therapy? There’s the way you look at your clients, how you hold your body, and the way you feel as you listen to their words. Passive engagement is equally important. 

Beautiful therapist, you are constantly sitting next to people while they do something hard. Close your eyes and imagine yourself doing something difficult. Who is it you want sitting next to you? Not to tell you how to do it or to coach you - but to be with you? What would their presence mean to you? 

Body doubling is a newer phrase, a sort of trick for productivity. If we dig deeper into neuroscience, I wonder if we’re actually talking about limbic resonance. Humans sense safety, openness and curiosity. In order to achieve the benefit of being with others - we have to start with an open nervous system.

In A General Theory of Love, limbic resonance is described as the first of three neural faces (limbic resonance, regulation and revision). “The first part of emotional healing is being limbically known - having someone with a keen ear catch your melodic essence.” p. 170

As my dancer leapt through the air, graceful and also stumbling - I watched in wonder, catching her anxiety and beauty. I was with her, but I sat still.

**Thank you for reading! 
For more EFT resources - click here for Kelly’s self-paced and live training options.