Game On!
What is the point of a corrective emotional experience?
It feels good. It brings hope. As clinicians, it's the primary way we de-escalate and, ultimately, rebuild relationships.
But I think the most fascinating thing that happens over time is how the reappraisal changes.
And maybe that's the whole point.
The cycle itself doesn't change all that much. Maybe it happens less often or doesn't escalate quite as far. But protective moves aren't that original. Couples still get defensive, withdraw, criticize, protest, and pursue.
Couples who have finished therapy still cycle. You already know that. The goal of EFT isn't to eliminate the cycle altogether. Couples will still trigger each other and get caught in the loop - but what they tell themselves inside that loop becomes entirely different than it was at the beginning of therapy.
In high distress, a wrong tone or moment of misattunement sounds like this in the brain:
"This will never work.""He/she doesn't care.""It's hopeless.""He/she doesn't love me."
Secure couples can experience that exact same wrong tone or misattunement, but the inner dialogue sounds more like this:
"Well...this sucks.""That's annoying.""Crap. We're cycling again."
The difference is enormous.
As the reappraisal changes, so does the action tendency. Couples become more motivated to move back toward connection, which means repair actually works.
I find that incredible.
The repetition of corrective emotional experiences creates a new inner voice.
And I think the same thing is true for us in the therapist chair.
Instead of chasing mastery or trying to be as good as your favorite trainer, make your goal to have a corrective emotional experience with the model itself. Get enough of those experiences that your reappraisal begins to change.
When things escalated in session, I used to tell myself:
"I have no idea what I'm doing.""They're going to fire me.""I'm a poser."
Now I can see the same anger on a client's face. I can feel the cycle escalating. I can feel my own chest tighten.
But guess what I tell myself now?
GAME ON.
I'm not afraid anymore.
I trust myself, and I trust the process so much.
I lean into the reactivity, and with confidence, I interrupt the negative interactional pattern.
It took years of corrective emotional experiences with the model itself to get to this place.
See if you can track your own pattern in session. Visualize a recent moment when you got triggered by a client.
TRIGGER: ________________ (client gets angry, client shuts down, etc.)
BODY SENSATION: ________________ (your face gets hot, your stomach drops, tightness in your chest, etc.)
REAPPRAISAL: ________________ ("I'm terrible at this." "I need to fix this." "I'm losing them.")
ACTION TENDENCY: ________________ (explain more, shut down, follow the client instead of leading, overfunction, etc.)
Here's the beautiful part.
The trigger probably won't change.
The body sensation probably won't change either. It doesn't matter how many years you've been doing this work - when a client gets angry or a couple's cycle takes over, your nervous system will notice.
But your reappraisal can change.
And that changes everything.
TRIGGER: ________________ (client gets angry, client shuts down, etc.)
BODY SENSATION: ________________ (your face gets hot, your stomach drops, tightness in your chest, etc.)
REAPPRAISAL: Game on. I've got this. Time to lean in. It's now or never. Let's go.
ACTION TENDENCY: Interrupt the cycle. Go back to the cue. Make a process comment. Get explicit. Stay with the process. Lead.
Once your reappraisal changes, your action tendency changes too.
And once you get there, you can do this work forever.
Say it with me:
GAME ON.
**Thank you for reading!
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