Attachment Science as Your Anchor

“Do you really have to understand attachment science if you can trust the process, stick with the clinical map and simply attune to your clients?”

Off to the side, in a fancy DC hotel - I posed this question during the Creating Connections Conference in 2016. Top neuroscience experts lectured about developments in research, changing “attachment theory” to “bonding science.” It’s not a theory anymore. 

Across the board, even if people aren’t naming attachment specifically - that’s what they’re talking about. Different disciplines agree: humans aren’t meant to be alone. We’re best when we can effectively depend on others.

Taking notes and discussing with new friends, I was genuinely trying to grasp the inner workings of things like mirror neurons and social baseline theory. I was also intimidated. I’m not a researcher or a scientist. Maybe it was better to leave that to the experts?

I stood in line to get a muffin at the gift shop and Jim Coan stood behind me. Starstruck, I said nothing. But, I overheard someone asking him a very intelligent question. He was gracious and gave a thoughtful answer. I think he probably wished he could just stand in line like a normal person. 

Jim is so genuine. It really is about science for him. In his hand-holding experiment, he thought he would discover one thing through the fMRI and he saw something different. With that, his whole world view changed and like other neuroscientists, he had proof that our way to secure attachment isn’t cognitive. It was after that that he and Sue Johnson became friends.

Back to my initial question: “Do you really have to understand attachment science to be effective?”

While I never got up the courage to ask Jim this question - I did ask an EFT Trainer. And, the short answer is yes.

Do you have to be able to ask intelligent questions to Jim Coan before buying a muffin? No. Do you have to fully grasp the lecture by the guy who discovered mirror neurons? God no.

But in order to be an effective EFT therapist - you need to know the basic premises of attachment science.

Why? Because sometimes it’s the only thing anchoring you to the process. Reactivity will impact you every time and you’ll be tempted to see your client through a pathological lens. 

I recently had a couple in an intensive that was highly volatile and escalated. An intern observed the beginning and end of the intensive. After the first day, he noted the wife’s reactivity. He wondered about trauma. All true.

But I was tuning into something she wasn’t saying and he’s learning to pay attention to. Her level of reactivity and intense anger toward her partner was telling me that she was desperate to feel something real with him again. 

I had to interrupt them so many times and lean into her anger, assuming an attachment reality inside of it. 

By the last day - they were holding hands, sitting close on the couch and she was owning her behavior. That didn’t happen by me pointing out her behavior. It happened because they felt connected. She was safe enough to explore and open up.

My intern was blown away at their progress.

Am I magical? No. Are my clients magical? Not really.

Is understanding and trusting attachment science so effective that it produces magic? It feels like it!

Trust your reactive clients and the attachment truth they can’t feel or show. They might not be able to tell you what’s really happening, but you can assume they’re doing what they’re doing for good reason. That assumption only comes from taking the time to expose yourself to attachment science. It also comes from corrective emotional experiences with the model itself.

The more you lean into reactivity - assuming attachment significance, and making reflections from that place - you’ll see it make a difference. Once it makes a difference, you’ll learn to trust it. Once you trust it, you’ll do it without thinking about it.

When I look back at myself 10 years ago at that conference - I think about the span between then and now. How many times did it take for me to re-learn the same truth? Yes, it’s still attachment; yes, the process works and yes, you can be imperfect inside of it. 

I think in some ways I’m still learning. I texted my husband today, “I don’t know if they’re really with me or if this is making any difference. I don’t know if I’m helping.” And then two hours later, “Woah. Breakthrough. There’s a shift! It’s working.”

He’s not surprised. But somehow - I still am.

How is it that I can trust attachment science, trust EFT and still be surprised when people shift? I am not immune to the reactivity or the cycle. It impacts me too. But slow and steady - people feel safer and more secure and they show themselves.

I think if I were to go back to my younger EFT self I would say this: 

Not only should you understand attachment science, I want you to be bold in your trust of it and what that means for humanity. And stay curious and open so even though you are stubbornly committed to it, you’re shocked every time it works.

**Thank you for reading! 

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