Three Marriages in One

“Do you want to divorce your relationship, but not each other?”

I think I’ve asked that question a hundred times over the years. I hope to convey to my couples that I know the problem isn’t a lack of love or effort. Many couples have been to several therapists before they see me. They are determined to figure it out. 

The harder message to convey is that there’s no fixing the current relationship. The goal isn’t to “do the cycle better.” There’s no better version of a negative interactive dance. Peacekeeping and behaving well only kicks the can down the road. The attachment longing will eventually come roaring back to life and knock everything over if not tended to.

We have to rip apart all strategies, rewrite history and get to ground zero. From ground zero, we only take the essential elements necessary to build again. Attachment fears and longings - they are what any therapist will find at bedrock. What makes you human keeps you human. The challenge is to help clients drill down to the core of themselves. You need to tune into the very basic part of the human in front of you with piercing tenderness and help them re-emerge. This is the ultimate way to assist in the development of a person.

When EFTers say (and don’t we always say it?), “We get to the heart of the matter” - what do we really mean? I propose that it’s more radical than any client could ever imagine. They’re hoping to be nicer to each other. We’re hoping to give them a life-altering relationship in which they can know security and, from that security, they can know love.

“We don’t heal relationships - we create relationships that heal.” - Sue Johnson

How do couples get here? What is the (sometimes poor) evolution of a life of love? Below is my take on how I see the passive erosion of a relationship. No judgment! If I didn’t know EFT, I would probably be just as passive, not knowing any other way. 

The following is assuming the couple meets in their younger years and grows old together. It’s also based on anecdotal experience - sitting with couples for almost 20 years (not research).

Phase One:

Couples fall in love and don’t have a context for “need.” They haven’t had to depend on each other in truly vulnerable ways. Yes, they share and show their soul. And, yes - they help each other through tough times. But it’s exciting and intoxicating and life hasn’t gotten too “lifey” yet. It’s not too messy or scary and there’s no mundane rut. There's little experience caring for each other when sick or getting your heart broken and needing comfort. There hasn’t been any need to pick up the household slack when kids demand attention or to navigate any major career shifts. Phase one is about physical attraction, fun, and friendship. It’s essential, but if it doesn’t evolve - it won’t be enough for the later stages of life.

Phase Two:

This is where things expand and get complicated. Just by nature of getting older, there are more external stressors: becoming parents and home owners, going through professional transitions, navigating friendship shifts and aging parents. Couples often assume their relationship can handle this phase of life. Many couples don’t think about it at all - they’re too busy trying to adjust to the next thing. All the external stressors I listed above are normal developmental transitions in a lifespan. But, what if there’s loss, trauma or health crises? There’s no way the first relationship can be strong enough to handle the normal stuff, let alone any additional difficulties. 

Phase Three:

If couples make it through phase two, they might not recognize each other when they get to phase three. The house is quiet and finally clean, kids have launched, there’s less stress financially and the chance to “make it” professionally has either happened or is coming to a close. Your bodies are different and you have less F*&%S to give. Maybe that’s just the women. And maybe in ten years I’ll actually spell out the f word. Some couples are just glad to still be together and the absence of external stress is enough for them. Other couples have existential crises and think, “What have we done? We missed the most important thing. We don't have love! Not really.”

WHAT IF? Imagine this:

Marriage One:

Physical attraction, fun and friendship. 

Your job: Find each other and seal the deal.

Marriage Two:

Build a new relationship. Preferably before shit hits the fan (I’m comfortable with the word shit, apparently). Start when you’re about to have your first kid or right after you do. If you don’t have kids, pay attention to other ways Marriage One isn’t sufficient. 

Your job: Rupture and repair. Be open enough to trust with parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. Learn how to depend on each other emotionally.

Marriage Three:

Build one more relationship. Use marriage two, but make room for more caretaking. Your body hurts, people need you less, everyone leaves or dies and grief becomes the passageway to love.

Your job: Enjoy the fruits of your labor and pass them down.

Earlier I said, what makes you human keeps you human. We have to work hard to keep our humanity as the years swiftly pass. In lifelong love, you must break open again and again. When you do, the very thing that makes you human will grow you. Sometimes you grow together, and sometimes you don’t. And if you get stuck, find an EFT therapist.

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