On Burnout

There’s burnout and then there’s burnout. If complete burnout looks like not wanting to get up in the morning, not taking care of yourself, resenting your job and the people in it - I’ve come close. 

How did I not go into complete burnout, and how do I continue to make sure I don’t burnout? 

I have a list. Let’s unpack it together.

1. Be great at what you do.

This one might not land well for perfectionists or overachievers who are trying to be gentle on themselves. Hear me out. This isn’t about working harder or putting in more hours. This is about your motivation and getting honest with yourself. Do you want to be great at what you do because you actually love the work itself? And if not, how can you fall back in love with the work? What’s getting in the way?

For therapists - “work” is pretty complex and intimate. Many of us who go into this field are people-pleasers. I’m talking to you - conscientious, accommodating, kind, big-hearted people-pleaser. 

Some of you might not see yourself as a people-pleaser. I didn’t. If you exhibit a lot of confidence, aren’t afraid to be real, and you’re bold/brave - that’s me. I would have never known I had a hidden people-pleaser until I did my own therapy. But, we’ll get to therapy in a bit. For now - let’s just assume there’s either overt or covert people-pleasing happening.

As a people-pleaser in recovery, what made you feel good (taking care of others) is now something you resent. The healthier you get, the less you’re able to see the point of your job.

What got you in the field can’t keep you in the field.

You have to do this because you love the work. Not because there’s a demand on you to help everyone in order for YOU to be safe, secure and cherished. That demand isn’t coming from your clients - it’s coming from inside yourself.

When you are great at what you do - and you’re free from “a good job” meaning anything about your inherent value - you will want to do this forever.

I’ve seen therapists putter out. They get good enough and then they stop growing. I’ve often wondered why. My guess is that they’re constantly managing the need to make people happy or to prove their worth and it’s exhausting - so eventually they resist growing. Not consciously, of course.

When therapists are overly concerned with how they appear as therapists, it worries me. There’s something better - you can truly want to get better because there is more to uncover in the work itself. There are ways to fine tune so you can effectively create change. I personally don’t ever want to stop growing. It really is the journey of being a therapist and the feeling of being effective that I love. I’m not chasing an arrival point or a perceived place of rest. Because my rest has nothing to do with my job.

I love the feeling of being in the zone, moving through the tango and having a clear sense of how I’ve helped someone. I love it when I can be flexible and pivot in the middle of a session - knowing that my attunement to the client matters more than the model. And then when we’re all safe, I can find my footing in the interventions. I absolutely love this feeling, and I think I’ve earned it. How? This brings me to point #2.

2. Get therapy for yourself - and not just any therapy. GREAT therapy.

In the beginning, I tried to learn by going to more trainings, obsessing over cases, re-reading my notes from past trainings, reading books, and watching videos. I think I needed to do that, and I’m glad I was persistent in learning the model. But, that could only get me to being a “good enough” therapist. I wasn’t great, and there was a hidden motivation I didn’t know about (people-pleasing/having significance). 

Find a great therapist (don’t settle for meh therapy - the kind where you’re validated for eternity, asked good questions and gain insight). Great therapy can help free you from your own emotional trap. Once you’re free from your own trap - you have more energy, more ability to make choices and more space to do your job because you love it and you choose it (not because it has a hold on you). For the record, I don’t love my job all the time. It’s still just a job. But I love it more than I don’t.

Of course, I’m going to recommend EFIT (Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy). If you’re having trouble finding someone because you know everyone or there’s no one in your state that’s more experienced than you - try an international EFT therapist. Go to the ICEEFT directory and look for therapists in other countries that speak your language and offer virtual sessions. Look for Supervisors and Trainers. 

EFIT was incredible for me. After I did EFIT, I got an executive coach. EFIT helped me come home to myself and discover hidden parts of myself. Now I don’t get caught in my old  interpersonal trap - which used to make me feel depressed and anxious. Now, I can get triggered and just ride the wave of emotion. By the way, that part is never fun - I actually hate being a human sometimes - those negative emotions where you don’t actually do anything but feel them…bleh. I’ll never love that. I’ve done it enough times to see the payoff, though. When I don’t get in my own way, I feel more secure, strong and stable in the long run.

My executive coach helped me apply what I learned in therapy to my business. I’m so glad I did it in the order that I did. Having the baseline of emotional security through therapy was a necessary foundation for me to make good decisions for my business. 

Why do I tell you all of this? It’s not to be prescriptive. I don’t assume that if you “just aim to be great as a therapist and go to therapy yourself” that all of your problems will be solved and you’ll never experience burnout.

I tell you this because anything that you see as “badass” or successful was a deeply personal journey. I didn’t do it to get successful - I did it because what I was doing before wasn’t sustainable. I was losing my spark.

3. Self-care is like telling couples to go on date nights and use “I statements” - it’s worthless.

As controversial as this is (therapists love good self-care) - I need to tell you - you cannot effectively kick burnout with self-care.

Self-care is like stage 3 of the EFT model. It’s the practical things you do after you have a new baseline. They are great just like any good idea is great. Drinking water, moving your body, deep breathing, mindfulness, realistic schedule, sleep, connection, touch, hobbies - these are all very good ideas, and I think you should do them.

However, if you think these things are your answer to burnout, you’ll get resentful again. Self-care can become another job.

It should never be a job or something you feel really guilty about if you don’t do it. When you feel secure within yourself - you naturally choose to do these things. And, like the human you are, you fall back into bad habits. But, it’s ok because you can pivot and pick it back up again. 

There’s emotional flexibility that makes all decisions less about “getting somewhere” and more about getting back. There’s a YOU to get back to. And, when you feel secure - you miss yourself and you’re motivated to come back to you. There’s a gentle intentionality because it’s not a solution to a problem, it’s just reconnecting with yourself.

What do you think about my take on burnout? I would love to hear your thoughts - email me! I’m always open to a good discussion.

**When I write, I visualize you. There are people on this list that come to mind and I can picture what you look like, how you talk and what motivates you. I write specifically to you. I hope you feel valued because you are. If you enjoy these posts - will you tell friends? Forward this to them so they can subscribe and be part of this global community.