The Dressing Room

It’s me and her - my sweet, sassy, beautiful 14 year-old. We’re in the dressing room of Anthropologie and she’s looking at me with wide eyes. 

“What do you think, Mom?”

She wants to know about the shirt. It’s blue, cropped and fitted. Her eyes are hopeful and she can’t stop looking at herself in the mirror.

“Mom? Mom. What do you think?”

The actual thoughts that went through my head, but not out of my mouth:

You have a shirt exactly like that.
You can’t even wear that to school because it’s cropped. 
That’s way too expensive. 
We really should be thrifting. What are we even doing here?

And then I look back into her eyes. She sees I’m doubtful - even though I still haven’t said anything.

“Mom. If we buy it, it’ll be my money. I have enough in my account.”

That’s right. This really is bigger than the shirt. This is my teenager wanting to know what I think (and actually caring about what I think) but also needing to feel like she can make choices. She’s letting me know, “I can do this - with my mind and my money.” But she’s also seeking my approval.

How in the world do I do this? Why is this so hard? On one hand, I actually did not want her to buy the shirt. That’s honest. And I do care about how she spends her money - I can’t hide that. But, I don’t want what I think to come across - not through my eyes, the tone of my voice or anything I say. I care more about my blooming girl feeling confident enough to make her own choices. I want her to be able to make mistakes and explore what it means to express herself in the way that feels like her.

So, at this point - it’s been too long without me saying anything. I have to say something. What feels like 5 minutes is probably 10 seconds. I say more than I planned.

“Honestly. You want my honest opinion? I think you have a shirt just like that, and I’m not sure it’s a good use of money because you won’t be able to wear it to school. But also - it looks amazing on you and if you love it - it’s your money. I want you to do what you want to do. You can decide. I’ll support you either way. I promise.” 

There was more conversation, and she didn’t buy the shirt. Did I do the right thing? The wrong thing? Who knows. 

But I’m walking the line, and I know it’s a balance. I feel good about trying to walk the line, and I don’t actually think there’s a clear right or wrong here. I’m hoping to guide and also give freedom. I want to convey that I believe in her, even when I really want to tell her the answers and save her closet from another blue shirt. My heart is to give her space but also be there. 

This is a silly one - about clothes. Sometimes it’s a little more serious. Sometimes she needs my help with friends that are in trouble. Or she’s in a spiral and feels insecure. Either way, it feels like the same balance. Be there, guide and also help her find her own thoughts and feelings.

If I step back, I can see that, in a way, we’re surrogate attachment figures for our clients. Aren’t we doing the same thing? We get invested and we want to help. Like HELP. But, if we help too much, we get in the way of development and growth. And, even though we’re influential - we’re not so powerful that our influence goes the way we want it to. We’re dealing with humans. There is no level of clinical expertise that will keep a human from messing up. Like, turning right with conviction when that was clearly the wrong way to go.

Your clients might need to buy the expensive shirt in order to see it was a mistake. And then have you there to process it. 

Has anyone ever been with a client that makes life-altering decisions - ones that feel like going backwards - while working with you? I bet you’re tempted to think, “Have we not done anything together? Are you not paying attention? Listening? Where have you been this whole time?”

Often it’s through those real life detours that the work actually starts.

The dressing room is a lot like the therapy room. Ok - maybe I’m stretching the metaphor, but go with me. It’s safe, contained, and no one has made the bad purchase…yet.

It’s also in the dressing room that clients get to keep trying things on. Over time, they get more confident and learn from the bad purchases. How lucky are we if we have just one someone that can keep going back to the dressing room with us?

Whether it’s a mom, dad, friend, sister, brother or therapist - they show up again, even if they told us last time that the shirt was a terrible, awful and expensive mistake. 

They show up because they believe in us - even when we don’t believe in ourselves. It’s the relationship that can withstand that tricky balance. We can do anything when we feel safe enough to fail. 

If your clients know that you’ll always be honest, be present and lead them back to themselves - they’ll grow. 

*I love writing! These posts are my creative outlet. I’m grateful for all the lovely feedback I get from you. If you know of anyone that doesn’t know about Superpower Alliance - the posts, the webinars - would you pass it along? This community is global, and I would love nothing more than for it to keep growing. Share the love and forward this newsletter. Click this link to find out more. Subscribe for free to get monthly posts in your inbox!

**Permission has been given by the teenager to tell this story and show this picture. :)